entering in...

funny how easy it is to find yourself 'distant' from the LORD and desperate to come back in to His presence. how easily I walk away from the table. but the thing is, its not that difficult to come back...in fact the way is paved and downhill, its just turning down that path that is difficult. isn't that the heart of repentance? 'turning away' or maybe 'turning toward'? how do we turn away from the rich foods in front of us and turn toward the banquet table that the Divine has prepared? i have fought that fight with myself...how many times? it disgusts me and depresses me, yet still the LORD is faithful. isn't this the Spirit of Agape? His eternal patience with me? His ever present searching and seeking of my tainted heart? i was feeling 'distant' this morning and irritated with how often i find myself in that place:

11/2/2008 9:25am
Father, I do so MUCH in my own strength I end up just following my fancies and doing 'what I need to get by'. I find myself dry and empty because I've tried to DO so much, even for you. Father, I need your sufficiency to do or be anything. but how? how d I access all that grace that is available? well, sarah, you have to be hooked in! An IV is only good if its IN you. So hook mu up, Father, regraft me into that vine. Quiet my mind and soothe my spirit! Oh God, silence those screaming voices in my flesh.
Thins should NOT happen in my life that DO!! Oh, God, I want to be set APART in all ways, holy to you in all circumstances. There is never a time when I'm not yours; when I'm not carrying Your Gospel in my body. HUMBLE me, Oh God!! Humility not just in my actions in the world but in knowing, Father, that I am absolutely NOTHING if you aren't moving in my. I have NOT the strength to do anything. Lord, give me the will and strength to just say no when the world creeps in in any cpacity. Not even the smallest compromise has room in my heart and my life. Oh God, h ow often do I break your heart and stain the gifts you've given me?

I don't wash my hands between delving in the world and coming to Your table. I let the filth of the world into my body-that same body that I'm offering as a living sacrifice. Oh, Lord, I do want you to have the best of me! Without sport or stain. Evil desires quieted-chained- and overshadowed by the deep passionate desire for YOU! I am so unfaithful Sweet Jesus, but you have to know that I love you BEST! You are the sweetest, the most beautiful, the most faithful, the wisest, the most genuine the most REAL of all my Lovers. I have no time for the rest of them.

AH PROMISES...promises!! Make me worth the promises...worth my SALT!!! I do love you my Love, my kind, sweet Savior. You are so much better than me, how can you love me?!?!?

It all means nothing next to YOU!